There's always that temptation. To break free, do whatever you want without the concern of others, whatsoever. Many a time I just want to shout out loud. My brain screaming for freedom.
Because we are taught to follow the norm, to survive, to avoid unnecessary attention.
Well, for me at least. I followed the rules... until someone taught me that it is okey to be cry. It is okey to feel sad. You don't have to act like you're perfect.
Breakfree
All of a sudden, you let emotions take over. You loose that calm self of yours, and let your mood decide everything. For one, it is fine to live that way, as long as the people around you can take you. But after awhile, you find that something is odd. What happened to that independent being? What happened to that strong will?
Too dependent
I couldn't live like that forever. I was loosing control over myself. Contradicting. I didn't know what I want. But I know I do not want to continue. Why continue if I do not see a future? Then why did you start it in the first place? Mistake. Was it a mistake? I'll be my own judge.
Sorry
There's always that temptation. To break free, to cut yourself open, and let your sorrows run like a stream, without the concern of others, whatsoever. Many a time I just let myself go. My brain screaming otherwise.
"You promised"
Only now, after it has all ended, I am keeping that promise. I appreciate.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Home
Which is my home?
I wouldn't know how to react when my friends tell me of their 'horrible' families. Of how they had to cook their own meals, wash their own laundry, and find their own transport of travel. Of how they were scolded or beaten by their parents. Of how they argued and faught with their siblings and unrightfully punished by their elders. I never knew. I was living the perfect life in the perfect home a child could wish for. I always believed that. Loving parents, siblings whom I never argued with, respectable grandparents who cares for me.
Perhaps it was the strict rules and traditions bound to our family, irrelevant to the the current society. Perhaps it was something personal. I had many assumptions stored in mind, but I never knew the reason.
I've heard of my friends in school, orphaned or living in broken homes. It was such a common issue in the society nowadays, especially among celebrities. But I obviously did not expect it to happen to me.
Things happen. Whether for a reason or not. But it is sure good that I've learnt to put the blaming issue aside.
And so a parent promise to give the child the life they never had.
There is always hope. A longing for that 'perfect' home once more. But is my 'perfect' the best for everyone? There are always 2 sides to a story. That is why we can never justify a situation or a person.
Two houses. Which can I call home?
These little thoughts can bother alot. Thinking aloud, frowning unknowingly; breaking down. Bothering myself with these thoughts, hit a pause button in reality, while others pass me by. Then it strikes you, if these thoughts are really of any significance? Yes duh! But does it plays a bigger role than the others?
Home is subjective. Subjective is a choice. The choice is mine. Home is where they are, however many places they can be. If a glimpse of joy among the people I love catches the eye, there is where I call home.
I may doubt myself time and time again about these little thoughts. We all do. But as long as we know how to hit the 'play' button, all is good.
I wouldn't know how to react when my friends tell me of their 'horrible' families. Of how they had to cook their own meals, wash their own laundry, and find their own transport of travel. Of how they were scolded or beaten by their parents. Of how they argued and faught with their siblings and unrightfully punished by their elders. I never knew. I was living the perfect life in the perfect home a child could wish for. I always believed that. Loving parents, siblings whom I never argued with, respectable grandparents who cares for me.
Perhaps it was the strict rules and traditions bound to our family, irrelevant to the the current society. Perhaps it was something personal. I had many assumptions stored in mind, but I never knew the reason.
I've heard of my friends in school, orphaned or living in broken homes. It was such a common issue in the society nowadays, especially among celebrities. But I obviously did not expect it to happen to me.
Things happen. Whether for a reason or not. But it is sure good that I've learnt to put the blaming issue aside.
And so a parent promise to give the child the life they never had.
There is always hope. A longing for that 'perfect' home once more. But is my 'perfect' the best for everyone? There are always 2 sides to a story. That is why we can never justify a situation or a person.
Two houses. Which can I call home?
These little thoughts can bother alot. Thinking aloud, frowning unknowingly; breaking down. Bothering myself with these thoughts, hit a pause button in reality, while others pass me by. Then it strikes you, if these thoughts are really of any significance? Yes duh! But does it plays a bigger role than the others?
Home is subjective. Subjective is a choice. The choice is mine. Home is where they are, however many places they can be. If a glimpse of joy among the people I love catches the eye, there is where I call home.
I may doubt myself time and time again about these little thoughts. We all do. But as long as we know how to hit the 'play' button, all is good.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Everyday
Everyday is a different sight.
People always find boredom inevitable mainly because of their fixed daily routine. I too, have a fixed one. Mostly, waking at 6am, catch the bus or train, switch trains, and then walking to college. Takes about 1 hour and 15 minutes to reach. The reverse to go back home.
No matter how exhausted or sleepy, I always have this sense of excitement to begin the day! (jump jump) The first thing everyone should do in the mornings is observe the sky... sometimes it'll be too dark to see anything, but sometimes just a glimpse of glitter will spark that smile in your heart. I'm SERIOUS!!
I love the sky. But sometimes, even I can forget to take a look.
Everyday I'll see the same similar group of people in the trains, but everyday is a different view. Just the other day, a mother with her pair of twins came in, only when she started 'talking' I realized she was deaf or dumb. Yes, she had a voice but she wasn't speaking a language... I hope you get me. I once danced with a group of hearing impaired children. You'll be amazed how well they can learn to dance without speaking or listening. Just by observing and gesturing to each other, they put on such a great show. Much more obedient than myself I would say. =P
Admiration.
A few times I helped to lead a blind uncle up and down the stairs/elevator. At other times, I saw other people leading him. There was once I helped a Chinese blind uncle, (I've never seen him before in the mornings), who later mentioned that he has never taken the LRT. Even my first time taking the train on my own was a challenge, what more for them?
Just a thought. Take off that mp3 once in a while, and just observe your surroundings. You'll discover a whole lot of sound and sight (too technical...). I once put on my music, thinking I would spend my time in the train/bus more wisely that way. It totally shut me out from the world (too dramatic...). I did not like it.
Trapped in your own world.
Anyhow, the best trip would be the walk from the train station to college! I'll occasionally use the main road, but otherwise - the back lane. Sunny, cloudy, rainy... I always see different people on the road... sometimes I'll peak into people car for fun (ooh... a Mickey Mouse holder on the car lock!) haha... Funny how little things can make people happy. But on less fortunate occasions, I'll find people calling me "Ah moi!" out of the blue, some approach me to talk. Grrr... So I resorted to walking more roughly, swinging my arms like a Bollywood star (HAHA), tying my hair up at all times, and always put on an i'm-not-an-innocent-looking-girl look. So far, short hair works best!
Perhaps it is because I love to walk (even with my horrible sense of direction) rather than taking a bus, or a car ride. I once needed to head towards the General Hospital, which was actually the just the other side of the roundabout! But I kept walking towards the train station thinking it was the other way, just because I saw it when I took the bus before. So I walked and walked for a whole hour and couldn't figure out how to get there. Gave up. Walked again the next day. After awhile, I decided to walk using the bus route! HAHA!! I walked to the next train station, Chow Kit! Then I finally realized that it was the other side of the 'world' the whole time. Laughed at myself alot!! Haha... It was all fun. A mini adventure. (crazy)
Have I described enough to prove how much I appreciate life just by telling tales of my mundane weekdays?
Of course, I filtered out the negative parts of these days. Because this is how I see my days when I look back at them.
Every sight is a different story.
People always find boredom inevitable mainly because of their fixed daily routine. I too, have a fixed one. Mostly, waking at 6am, catch the bus or train, switch trains, and then walking to college. Takes about 1 hour and 15 minutes to reach. The reverse to go back home.
No matter how exhausted or sleepy, I always have this sense of excitement to begin the day! (jump jump) The first thing everyone should do in the mornings is observe the sky... sometimes it'll be too dark to see anything, but sometimes just a glimpse of glitter will spark that smile in your heart. I'm SERIOUS!!
I love the sky. But sometimes, even I can forget to take a look.
Everyday I'll see the same similar group of people in the trains, but everyday is a different view. Just the other day, a mother with her pair of twins came in, only when she started 'talking' I realized she was deaf or dumb. Yes, she had a voice but she wasn't speaking a language... I hope you get me. I once danced with a group of hearing impaired children. You'll be amazed how well they can learn to dance without speaking or listening. Just by observing and gesturing to each other, they put on such a great show. Much more obedient than myself I would say. =P
Admiration.
A few times I helped to lead a blind uncle up and down the stairs/elevator. At other times, I saw other people leading him. There was once I helped a Chinese blind uncle, (I've never seen him before in the mornings), who later mentioned that he has never taken the LRT. Even my first time taking the train on my own was a challenge, what more for them?
Just a thought. Take off that mp3 once in a while, and just observe your surroundings. You'll discover a whole lot of sound and sight (too technical...). I once put on my music, thinking I would spend my time in the train/bus more wisely that way. It totally shut me out from the world (too dramatic...). I did not like it.
Trapped in your own world.
Anyhow, the best trip would be the walk from the train station to college! I'll occasionally use the main road, but otherwise - the back lane. Sunny, cloudy, rainy... I always see different people on the road... sometimes I'll peak into people car for fun (ooh... a Mickey Mouse holder on the car lock!) haha... Funny how little things can make people happy. But on less fortunate occasions, I'll find people calling me "Ah moi!" out of the blue, some approach me to talk. Grrr... So I resorted to walking more roughly, swinging my arms like a Bollywood star (HAHA), tying my hair up at all times, and always put on an i'm-not-an-innocent-looking-girl look. So far, short hair works best!
Perhaps it is because I love to walk (even with my horrible sense of direction) rather than taking a bus, or a car ride. I once needed to head towards the General Hospital, which was actually the just the other side of the roundabout! But I kept walking towards the train station thinking it was the other way, just because I saw it when I took the bus before. So I walked and walked for a whole hour and couldn't figure out how to get there. Gave up. Walked again the next day. After awhile, I decided to walk using the bus route! HAHA!! I walked to the next train station, Chow Kit! Then I finally realized that it was the other side of the 'world' the whole time. Laughed at myself alot!! Haha... It was all fun. A mini adventure. (crazy)
Have I described enough to prove how much I appreciate life just by telling tales of my mundane weekdays?
Of course, I filtered out the negative parts of these days. Because this is how I see my days when I look back at them.
Every sight is a different story.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Discovery
"What do you want to be when you grow up?," people would ask when I was still in primary school
"A housewife like my mum!" I replied.
I truly admire my mum since I was young. I clung to her like a 'hand bag' my mum would say. Wherever she went, I followed! Hung on to her for a long time, before I could stand on my own. She would comb my hair every morning, dress me up, and prepare meals for me. Drove me up and down (haha! direct translations are always hilarious - joi siong joi lok). Until I was in Standard 1 she still did the same! My teacher 'interviewed' us during our first day in primary school.
"How many of you wear your own school uniform?" Everyone else except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own shoes?" Almost everyone except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own clothes?" Not me.
Pampered.
I greatly disliked to make phone calls when I was young. I would prepare a whole script, running the lines in my head over and over again while the phone rang. I dreaded to make food orders at the hawker stalls. I wouldn't buy food from the canteen for a long time, simply because I was scared to talk to strangers.
One sight can change one's mind. One incident can change a one's life.
It was a mark that I would never erase in life. Since then, I stopped being too dependent on others. If I needed to go anywhere, I would walk and hope onto a bus if I needed to. If I was bored, I would find something to do and not bug for anyone's company. If I was sick, I would not show it. If I found a difficulty, I would try my best to solve it and most importantly, never complain.
Never complain.
That was what I held on to for awhile. Until I realize I was being a little too ridiculous. How can I share my thoughts with others and show my friends and families that I trust and love them if I don't share my life with them? Haha! Life is bitter and sweet. It was too fake that my life seemed to be a 'happily ever after' tale.
Positivity.
Tadah! Magic! Threw away that shiny glittering mask. So many more lives are worst than mine! Think of those too poor to eat, too weak to move. How can I compare my situation to them? What amazes me thru it all is that they seek happiness in the most horrible state. A smile speaks a thousand words.
"Smile is something you can give it away,
And it all comes back to you,
Oh, it's just like a magic penny,
Hold on tight and you won't have any,
Lend it, spend it, give it away,
And it all comes back to you."
Lend a hand.
That is what everyone needs. We lend a hand when in need, and we are returned with joy. My best was probably in studies. I love to study. I love to learn. I love to teach. But I am not gifted. I have to pay good attention in lessons to really absorb what is going on, meanwhile making detailed notes of what's being taught. Revise and memorize. So I lend others my notes (sometimes my notes never came back, haha) and I teach if I can. Oddly, I learn thru this even more!
Socializing.
No, I am very bad at making friends, or leaving a good impression. I almost never make the first move to know a person. People usually never remember me after knowing me. =( . I sometimes wonder how am I going to earn a job next time... oh dear... let's put that aside.
I would walk on my own, get lost everyday to attend the Juara Lagu rehearsal at the Bukit Jalil stadium as an understudy, only to told that I will be called if they need performers in the future - which I never heard from again. (Tho I must say it was an eye-opening experience!)
I would walk on my own, get lost again (my directions are really bad!) to Damansara Heights for a talent interview, only to be worrying about the results now... (I really do hope I get it this time)
"You are still young," adults will say. Opportunities will come... will they? Please please, I do not want to be jobless when I graduate. I am so afraid hearing that our music industry is so tough for small talents like me. Will I ever earn back the amount I used to earn this degree? I would be very sorry towards my father if I don't.
"Make others know you"
HOW? I really have no idea. So I would remain quite, minding my own business. I needed to excel somehow to make others know me. Whether in studies or performance. It was easiest for me to strike a conversation about something I know. =P ... haha... ridiculous but interesting. I guess I really need to improve on my PR skills.
Opportunities.
"Never say NO", that days lesson struck me like a dagger (oops too dramatic). I enjoy performing, but when people ask me to perform outside, I could only say no because of family issues. What I really did was pushing away all the opportunities given. "There! Serve you right for always saying no!" Mistakes. I now see my performing career leaving me slowly. But somehow or rather, I don't see myself being a performer in the future. Reasons being, I don't like to play by memory, I am bad at socializing, I am bad at directions. Lame, but that's my thought. I prefer sight reading that memorizing. I feel a 100% more confident with a lead sheet placed in front of me. Haha!
That aside, I will avoid saying NO from now on! YES YES and YES only.
"Can you help me?" YES!
"Can you transcribe for me?" YES!
"Can you play for me?" YES!
"Can you teach me?" YES!
"Can you record for me?" YES!
Up to the point where I neglect my own work? NO. But I have to admit I love doing all of the above. =P
Balance.
I really need to study this topic more. I need to even out my capabilities. Be a jack of all trades! So far, I am only good theoretically. Which explains my lean towards sight reading rather than improvising. I study, but do I really understand enough to use it in the real world?
Nevertheless I am still discovering more and more about myself. What I lack, and what I need to improve. We'll see how it goes.
"A housewife like my mum!" I replied.
I truly admire my mum since I was young. I clung to her like a 'hand bag' my mum would say. Wherever she went, I followed! Hung on to her for a long time, before I could stand on my own. She would comb my hair every morning, dress me up, and prepare meals for me. Drove me up and down (haha! direct translations are always hilarious - joi siong joi lok). Until I was in Standard 1 she still did the same! My teacher 'interviewed' us during our first day in primary school.
"How many of you wear your own school uniform?" Everyone else except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own shoes?" Almost everyone except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own clothes?" Not me.
Pampered.
I greatly disliked to make phone calls when I was young. I would prepare a whole script, running the lines in my head over and over again while the phone rang. I dreaded to make food orders at the hawker stalls. I wouldn't buy food from the canteen for a long time, simply because I was scared to talk to strangers.
One sight can change one's mind. One incident can change a one's life.
It was a mark that I would never erase in life. Since then, I stopped being too dependent on others. If I needed to go anywhere, I would walk and hope onto a bus if I needed to. If I was bored, I would find something to do and not bug for anyone's company. If I was sick, I would not show it. If I found a difficulty, I would try my best to solve it and most importantly, never complain.
Never complain.
That was what I held on to for awhile. Until I realize I was being a little too ridiculous. How can I share my thoughts with others and show my friends and families that I trust and love them if I don't share my life with them? Haha! Life is bitter and sweet. It was too fake that my life seemed to be a 'happily ever after' tale.
Positivity.
Tadah! Magic! Threw away that shiny glittering mask. So many more lives are worst than mine! Think of those too poor to eat, too weak to move. How can I compare my situation to them? What amazes me thru it all is that they seek happiness in the most horrible state. A smile speaks a thousand words.
"Smile is something you can give it away,
And it all comes back to you,
Oh, it's just like a magic penny,
Hold on tight and you won't have any,
Lend it, spend it, give it away,
And it all comes back to you."
Lend a hand.
That is what everyone needs. We lend a hand when in need, and we are returned with joy. My best was probably in studies. I love to study. I love to learn. I love to teach. But I am not gifted. I have to pay good attention in lessons to really absorb what is going on, meanwhile making detailed notes of what's being taught. Revise and memorize. So I lend others my notes (sometimes my notes never came back, haha) and I teach if I can. Oddly, I learn thru this even more!
Socializing.
No, I am very bad at making friends, or leaving a good impression. I almost never make the first move to know a person. People usually never remember me after knowing me. =( . I sometimes wonder how am I going to earn a job next time... oh dear... let's put that aside.
I would walk on my own, get lost everyday to attend the Juara Lagu rehearsal at the Bukit Jalil stadium as an understudy, only to told that I will be called if they need performers in the future - which I never heard from again. (Tho I must say it was an eye-opening experience!)
I would walk on my own, get lost again (my directions are really bad!) to Damansara Heights for a talent interview, only to be worrying about the results now... (I really do hope I get it this time)
"You are still young," adults will say. Opportunities will come... will they? Please please, I do not want to be jobless when I graduate. I am so afraid hearing that our music industry is so tough for small talents like me. Will I ever earn back the amount I used to earn this degree? I would be very sorry towards my father if I don't.
"Make others know you"
HOW? I really have no idea. So I would remain quite, minding my own business. I needed to excel somehow to make others know me. Whether in studies or performance. It was easiest for me to strike a conversation about something I know. =P ... haha... ridiculous but interesting. I guess I really need to improve on my PR skills.
Opportunities.
"Never say NO", that days lesson struck me like a dagger (oops too dramatic). I enjoy performing, but when people ask me to perform outside, I could only say no because of family issues. What I really did was pushing away all the opportunities given. "There! Serve you right for always saying no!" Mistakes. I now see my performing career leaving me slowly. But somehow or rather, I don't see myself being a performer in the future. Reasons being, I don't like to play by memory, I am bad at socializing, I am bad at directions. Lame, but that's my thought. I prefer sight reading that memorizing. I feel a 100% more confident with a lead sheet placed in front of me. Haha!
That aside, I will avoid saying NO from now on! YES YES and YES only.
"Can you help me?" YES!
"Can you transcribe for me?" YES!
"Can you play for me?" YES!
"Can you teach me?" YES!
"Can you record for me?" YES!
Up to the point where I neglect my own work? NO. But I have to admit I love doing all of the above. =P
Balance.
I really need to study this topic more. I need to even out my capabilities. Be a jack of all trades! So far, I am only good theoretically. Which explains my lean towards sight reading rather than improvising. I study, but do I really understand enough to use it in the real world?
Nevertheless I am still discovering more and more about myself. What I lack, and what I need to improve. We'll see how it goes.
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