Discovery

"What do you want to be when you grow up?," people would ask when I was still in primary school
"A housewife like my mum!" I replied.

I truly admire my mum since I was young. I clung to her like a 'hand bag' my mum would say. Wherever she went, I followed! Hung on to her for a long time, before I could stand on my own. She would comb my hair every morning, dress me up, and prepare meals for me. Drove me up and down (haha! direct translations are always hilarious - joi siong joi lok). Until I was in Standard 1 she still did the same! My teacher 'interviewed' us during our first day in primary school.

"How many of you wear your own school uniform?" Everyone else except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own shoes?" Almost everyone except me raised their hands.
"How many of you wash your own clothes?" Not me.


Pampered.


I greatly disliked to make phone calls when I was young. I would prepare a whole script, running the lines in my head over and over again while the phone rang. I dreaded to make food orders at the hawker stalls. I wouldn't buy food from the canteen for a long time, simply because I was scared to talk to strangers.


One sight can change one's mind. One incident can change a one's life.


It was a mark that I would never erase in life. Since then, I stopped being too dependent on others. If I needed to go anywhere, I would walk and hope onto a bus if I needed to. If I was bored, I would find something to do and not bug for anyone's company. If I was sick, I would not show it. If I found a difficulty, I would try my best to solve it and most importantly, never complain.


Never complain.


That was what I held on to for awhile. Until I realize I was being a little too ridiculous. How can I share my thoughts with others and show my friends and families that I trust and love them if I don't share my life with them? Haha! Life is bitter and sweet. It was too fake that my life seemed to be a 'happily ever after' tale.


Positivity.


Tadah! Magic! Threw away that shiny glittering mask. So many more lives are worst than mine! Think of those too poor to eat, too weak to move. How can I compare my situation to them? What amazes me thru it all is that they seek happiness in the most horrible state. A smile speaks a thousand words.

"Smile is something you can give it away,
And it all comes back to you,
Oh, it's just like a magic penny,
Hold on tight and you won't have any,
Lend it, spend it, give it away,
And it all comes back to you."


Lend a hand.


That is what everyone needs. We lend a hand when in need, and we are returned with joy. My best was probably in studies. I love to study. I love to learn. I love to teach. But I am not gifted. I have to pay good attention in lessons to really absorb what is going on, meanwhile making detailed notes of what's being taught. Revise and memorize. So I lend others my notes (sometimes my notes never came back, haha) and I teach if I can. Oddly, I learn thru this even more!


Socializing.


No, I am very bad at making friends, or leaving a good impression. I almost never make the first move to know a person. People usually never remember me after knowing me. =( . I sometimes wonder how am I going to earn a job next time... oh dear... let's put that aside.

I would walk on my own, get lost everyday to attend the Juara Lagu rehearsal at the Bukit Jalil stadium as an understudy, only to told that I will be called if they need performers in the future - which I never heard from again. (Tho I must say it was an eye-opening experience!)

I would walk on my own, get lost again (my directions are really bad!) to Damansara Heights for a talent interview, only to be worrying about the results now... (I really do hope I get it this time)

"You are still young," adults will say. Opportunities will come... will they? Please please, I do not want to be jobless when I graduate. I am so afraid hearing that our music industry is so tough for small talents like me. Will I ever earn back the amount I used to earn this degree? I would be very sorry towards my father if I don't.


"Make others know you"


HOW? I really have no idea. So I would remain quite, minding my own business. I needed to excel somehow to make others know me. Whether in studies or performance. It was easiest for me to strike a conversation about something I know. =P ... haha... ridiculous but interesting. I guess I really need to improve on my PR skills.


Opportunities.


"Never say NO", that days lesson struck me like a dagger (oops too dramatic). I enjoy performing, but when people ask me to perform outside, I could only say no because of family issues. What I really did was pushing away all the opportunities given. "There! Serve you right for always saying no!" Mistakes. I now see my performing career leaving me slowly. But somehow or rather, I don't see myself being a performer in the future. Reasons being, I don't like to play by memory, I am bad at socializing, I am bad at directions. Lame, but that's my thought. I prefer sight reading that memorizing. I feel a 100% more confident with a lead sheet placed in front of me. Haha!

That aside, I will avoid saying NO from now on! YES YES and YES only.

"Can you help me?" YES!
"Can you transcribe for me?" YES!
"Can you play for me?" YES!
"Can you teach me?" YES!
"Can you record for me?" YES!

Up to the point where I neglect my own work? NO. But I have to admit I love doing all of the above. =P


Balance.


I really need to study this topic more. I need to even out my capabilities. Be a jack of all trades! So far, I am only good theoretically. Which explains my lean towards sight reading rather than improvising. I study, but do I really understand enough to use it in the real world?

Nevertheless I am still discovering more and more about myself. What I lack, and what I need to improve. We'll see how it goes.